Whitehall, London, UK - Beat the deficit major new efficiency drive with SPYBOT.
While the British Conservative-Liberal coalition government squabbles, bites its own ankles and turns somersaults, patient civil servants, who collectively never sleep, press on with the real long-term policies of UK government. These include sabotaging all renewable energies and hugely subsidising nuclear and, latterly, gas fracking - and - embedding surveillance systems ever deeper in our lives. Certified, re-educated Minister Francis Maude, recently released from a Whitehall persuasion cell back into the community, today announced that henceforth all UK lavatories (porcelain, steel, glass fibre, incl imports) will be fitted with Skype PC cameras and every cubicle ceiling with CCTV to permanently record every visit, by every citizen along with an analysis of their deposited precious bodily fluids.
Whether at work, at home, in hotels, airports, stations, prisons or elsewhere, too many citizens spend too much time in bathrooms, water closets, loos, lavatories etc. etc. on so called "comfort breaks". Mr Maude argues that it is in the public interest to know just what people do on these timewasting, possibly sinful, potentially illegal and often disgusting visits. Experts advise that an average healthy defecation (number two's) should take no more than 6 minutes, without the Times Crossword or a mobile-phone, and urination (number ones) take 2 minutes. Researchers believe that analysing the live-data at GCHQ Cheltenham from all 63 million UK residents will show that by rigidly enforcing time-slots, national productivity can be increased by £72 billion a year. On-line, real-time human waste products analyses employs sophisticated chemical, virus and bacteria systems developed to detect life on Mars. "We will monitor the health of everyone - all the time - and intervene at the earliest symptoms" said Francis Maude. "This will save the NHS £27.4 billion a year and help reverse the fiscal deficit left by the last Labour Government... Laggards and infected people can expect a visit from a Local Authority Pan-Health Monitor."
The Minister also claims that currently on 1.2% of visits (828 million events per annum) drugs, alcohol and other harmful substances are abused. "These anti-social habits behind closed doors will be stamped on" vows Maude "Only those horribly guilty citizens with something to hide object to this data being collected for the good of the nation. It will also at last end the arguments, the vast, endless, time-wasting, male mass debates as to whether yours is bigger than mine. Which it isn't"
All SPYBOT data will be automatically shared across all government departments. Number Ten Downing Street and Buckingham Palace are exempted from the new SPYBOT surveillance laws.