Wednesday, 27 February 2013



ANXIETY FODDER -  Having grievously suffered and miraculously recovered from two weeks of man-flu, I have had time to be bombarded day and night by WORLD NEWS, much of it delivered by highly decorated, unblinking, panic stricken, hysterical journalists with very loud voices, trained in shouting down any thoughtful interviewees. These responsible and we assume accurate observers of events have jointly and severally alerted me to a vast number of minor and major threats to The World.

In reverse order these anxiety inducing reports include:

TERMINAL BURLESQUE - An octogenarian reanimated waxwork with a permanently erect prosthetic phallus, and a bouncing hirsute furious comedian have brought political chaos to Italy which will destroy the Euro, disintegrate the 550 million European Union and, at least, cause the Earth to spin into the Sun.

CURSE OF THE PHARAOHS - A hot air tourist balloon, not known to be inflated by Italian political rhetoric (or is that Greek), caught fire over The Valley of the Kings in Egypt killing nineteen assorted vacationers and ...please, please, please, whisper the journalists…  .. Please let it be a terrorist attack with Israeli connections. But it isn't – it is cock-up not conspiracy. A sad accident - informing  me it is safer at home in Oxford than cavorting around Cairo.  

PINK POWER IN THE ETERNAL CITY -  The frail Roman Catholic Pope, Benedict the XVI has abdicated; The Vatican is seething with conspiratorial pulsating pusillanimous pink pastors; In the UK an outraged coven of elderly, screeching, handbag or sporran waving, scorned but ever prayerful Scottish priests, suddenly resenting not having had enough sex with the seventy-five year old Cardinal of Scotland, in his nice red cloak and cap, back in 1970, have outed the poor man a few months before he retires; preventing him from participating in choosing the next moral leader of the World;  which will be announced by a great poof of grey smoke.

GEORGY PORGY’S TRIPLES - Shock – Shock – Shock and Double Digit, Double-Dip Horror! 

Podgy George Osborne, the Old Etonian dunce who is experimenting with running or ruining the UK economy has just had his legs smacked with a  wet flannel by Moody’s downgrading our nation from Triple A to Double A+ rating. Great Britain will now have to go to THE FREE MARKETS as a beggar nation, will have to borrow for ever and ever at enormous rates of interest from the tax-haven plutocrats, will sink beneath the mountains or tsunamis (choose your metaphor) of un-repayable debt and will thus destroy the entire Anglo-Saxon economic structure - and The World will founder and the seven Horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride out – and the Anti-Christ will rise from the Scalding Pit of Hell (Didn’t we have him last week?).  Somebody, interviewed on BBC Radio, called Roy? Rogers, an American speculator, says he would not hold any Sterling, Euro’s, Drachma, Yen, Dollars, Lira or Tibetan Prayer Wheel currencies – and has booked himself an investment voyage to the recently discovered limitless Mines of Mars.

OBAMA-BLANKS - President Obama is courageously facing down the NRA whose vast combined intelligence has figured that by arming every child over the age of two with armour piercing, rapid fire anti-tank assault weapons The World will be a safer place. The President is insisting that every ammunition magazine must contain one-blank per five cartridges. His Health and Safety advisors say that The One-Five-Shoot-Out-Cool-Down Bill – will save millions of lives. The various legally armed seriously deranged low IQ gun-toting, drug-crazed totally raving loonies - when merrily gunning down children and adults, and themselves, – will hit the Obama-Blank micro-second and pause to reflect on and reconsider their improvident actions. The NRA is however resisting the "Obama-Blank" as a communist neo-liberal plot to enslave all Free Americans and undermine their Divinely Ordained Right to Bear Arms and to kill everyone (else). 

An NRA spokesperson said “The Obama-Gun-Jammer-Enfeeble-America-Sharia-Law will imperil every True, Free American defending His (or her) (or his /her parents’) home. Those split seconds will give The Bad Guys With Guns the chance to kill The Good Guys (and infants, kiddies and teachers) With Guns.” The spokesperson, gazing heroically Lincoln-like into the middle distance, continued “Think of  our poor, disadvantaged white cousin in South Africa, Oscar Pistorius; if he had been slamming bullets through the bathroom door at a six-foot-seven raging bull guerrilla warfare intruder - and how was he to know that he wasn’t? - the murdering violent trespasser would only have to count five bullets before the fatal Obama-Blank pause – and he (she or it) would then have burst out and beat Oscar to death with the lavatory brush.”

America doesn’t want any of that – Thank You Mr President!”

HOW WILL IT ALL END?  My Freudian Free Floating Anxiety grows with every newscast. And I haven’t even started on our hundreds of Local Government issues.

But, Australia is not on fire. This week. 

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